Letters To Cousin Tom About Getting fat, My Art, Visitors Coming And A Cast Iron Skillet)

Dear Tommy,

Been sitting here on his computer thinking of ways to reach out and here I am, sending you a letter. I am not much of a letter writer but since things around here are a little boring right now, and since I haven’t heard from you in awhile, I am going to become a prolific letter writer– you can bet your ass on that!

My damned bathroom scale is trying to copulate with my anal regions again this morning… It says I am weighing 238 pounds and I know this must be bullshit even though I have been gorging myself on potato chips, ice cream and candy for about a week now so I am now on my diet again. Capital “F” with exclamation point.

Have you got used to your new medicines yet? Mine are still kicking my ass and my brain. I am having good days and half assed days but I am still on top of the grass and that is a good thing.

I been painting pictures again with my acrylic paint markers and I have to say that some of them are damned good! The problem is that professional framers are going to kick my ass with their prices but if they are putting the screws to me then they are doing it to everybody…I can still make a profit on the paintings because I am having them gallery-framed with museum quality shit. Expensive but worth the money in my estimation.

I wouldn’t be so hot on painting if it were not for the fact that a friend of mine, who is also a well known and highly successful local artist, was kind enough to look at some of my stuff. He was impressed enough that he invited me to join the local art guild which I have not done yet but which i am seriously thinking about doing.

We are having visiting guests this weekend … our two cousins from Kentucky are stopping by for a couple of hours after having visited an antique mall many miles north of here. Jimmy is feverishly running around the parts of the manse that are still being used, putting his special perfectionist touch on everything that he can sweep, mop or dust. Every time somebody comes to visit, which, thank God, is not that often, he goes kind of berserk pretending to be houseboy and butler all rolled into one.

I managed to eat oatmeal and toast with a single egg this morning hoping to put a stop to a maddening weight gain that attacked me a couple of weeks ago after I gorged on high calorie treats and sweets. I know I shouldn’t have done it, but I am 88 years old now and sometimes I get the idea that I can do pretty much anything I want to do….because, really, does it matter any more?

I had the edge of our three expansive lawns precision edged day before yesterday and it was all done by one single workman with an electric edger and a shovel. He hauled the remaining dirt and sod off in a cart attached to the back of his tractor. He worked all day long. It was an expensive job but it hadn’t been done in years, so it desperately needed it.

I have been toying with the idea of getting myself a cast iron skillet and doing a little cooking in it. So far, I have favored those modern non-stuck stainless steel and aluminum skillets but people keep telling me that I am missing something great if I do not use a cast iron skillet. So I am getting one and let’s see what I can do with it and find out why other people rave about them so much.

You know what Tommy? I am getting scared of calling somebody on the telephone and asking how they are doing anymore. It seems like every time (almost every time) (not every time..but a lot of the times) –I get somebody on the phone telling me that the person I had wanted to talk to has passed away. It is getting ridiculous how fast time seems to run as we get older. Most of the people I graduated from high school with are dead already.

I hope you are doing good in our new job as a barber. You worked so hard to get that license and a place to practice. But you are a fighter and I know that you will do well.

Until then,

Cousin John